Monday, March 21, 2005
I do not understand myself
Today is the day that I feel really emotional. I really do not know why. I also dun know how to deal with the feelings inside of me. I thought I could fake it all out but I realise that I can no longer take it anymore.
I was out with some of them today. At first feeling quite alright. Then later receive a message which triggers a lot of emotions. Guess all these while there is a lot of things in my heart which I refuse to open up. I feel that I am not myself. I realise that there is 2 different me. One is wat I really am and the other is wat I want to portray myself. I know I am fake but I really dun know how to open up.
I feel burden by ppl and the things happening around. I really hope that I am heartless at times and someone without feelings so that I will not feel down. But I am not wat I appear to be. Ppl often think that I am happy go lucky. Everything seems to be in place. I am a happy child. But I know in my heart this isnt true.
I feel tired of life. I hope to be able to deal with my emotions one by one. But I often brush it aside as I do not want to deal with it as it is very painful. Perhaps I am wierd. I know the ans to allmy prob but unable to go towards that direction though I know it is right. I lack the motivation and the perseverance to continue. I know I am useless but who cares.
What should I do? I really do not know. Or should I not do anything. Or perhaps I do not have the right to feel like that. I am nothing, so how can I feel. Perhaps the REAL ME is that I am nothing, a person who lacks the ability to deal with her heart. But I do not know how to.
I love my family, but never express it out. I hurt them so much. I am worldly. I am selfish. I never do much or contribute much. I focuss too much on things that is considered unimportant.
Haiz... Why am I like that? Sorry to bore u guys with this entry but that is really wat I feel inside me.
I was out with some of them today. At first feeling quite alright. Then later receive a message which triggers a lot of emotions. Guess all these while there is a lot of things in my heart which I refuse to open up. I feel that I am not myself. I realise that there is 2 different me. One is wat I really am and the other is wat I want to portray myself. I know I am fake but I really dun know how to open up.
I feel burden by ppl and the things happening around. I really hope that I am heartless at times and someone without feelings so that I will not feel down. But I am not wat I appear to be. Ppl often think that I am happy go lucky. Everything seems to be in place. I am a happy child. But I know in my heart this isnt true.
I feel tired of life. I hope to be able to deal with my emotions one by one. But I often brush it aside as I do not want to deal with it as it is very painful. Perhaps I am wierd. I know the ans to allmy prob but unable to go towards that direction though I know it is right. I lack the motivation and the perseverance to continue. I know I am useless but who cares.
What should I do? I really do not know. Or should I not do anything. Or perhaps I do not have the right to feel like that. I am nothing, so how can I feel. Perhaps the REAL ME is that I am nothing, a person who lacks the ability to deal with her heart. But I do not know how to.
I love my family, but never express it out. I hurt them so much. I am worldly. I am selfish. I never do much or contribute much. I focuss too much on things that is considered unimportant.
Haiz... Why am I like that? Sorry to bore u guys with this entry but that is really wat I feel inside me.
